Deal with Life's Changes by Grieving Them
Everything was perfect after my husband retired — we downsized our house and moved to a different state, but I still needed to mourn all we gave up
A little over a month ago, my husband retired, and we moved from Colorado to Iowa to be closer to family. The move went amazingly well, and we are beginning to settle into our new, much smaller home. So far, we like the house, the town and the people we've met. Everything about this move seems perfect for us.
So why am I crying?
"Even the best life changes can leave us feeling sad and disappointed. I call this 'grieving your progress,' " writes Spangle | Credit: Getty
Instead of feeling excited and happy, I have moments when I feel incredibly sad. Even though everything here in Iowa is fine, I'm grieving what I left behind.
Regardless of how good a new life is, we leave things behind, and we grieve them.
I miss a lot of things from my previous house, such as the window above the sink and the huge yard with lots of flowers. I also miss my friends, my church and my favorite restaurants.
Life changes usually involve making progress in some way. But regardless of how good a new life is, we leave things behind, and we grieve them.
When kids grow older, we stop reading bedtime stories and taking trips to the zoo. Changing jobs or going back to school means leaving friends, comfortable routines and familiar buildings.
Even the best life changes can leave us feeling sad and disappointed. I call this "grieving your progress."
Nothing stays the same in life. Favorite restaurants close, friends and family members move away. Sometimes, the changes involve the death of a loved one. And even if we are glad that person is no longer suffering, we grieve the progress.
In Colorado, my husband and I attended a church where I sang in a large choir. On Easter, when we sang Handel's "Hallelujah" chorus, I'd always get teary-eyed at the end of the song because it sounded so majestic.
One year, hoping to appeal to younger adults, the church board decided to stop having a choir along with a pianist and organist. Instead, they created a "praise band" that usually sang songs I'd never heard before.
The church called it progress, but I was devastated. I grieved no longer singing in the choir and losing my favorite hymns.
The church called it progress, but I was devastated. I grieved no longer singing in the choir and losing my favorite hymns, such as "In the Garden" and "I Love to Tell the Story."
When my husband retired from his job as a university professor, he loved being free of the stress and challenges of his career. Now he doesn't have to ask permission when he wants to travel or take days off.
But he left behind his cozy office and contact with his favorite colleagues. He also lost his identity as a well-known and respected university professor. And even though he enjoys the benefits of being retired, he still grieves those losses.
Our move to Iowa required letting go of many of my favorite things. My guitar, which helped me lead singing at church youth gatherings, hadn't been used in many years. The guitar didn't get moved. I had a beautiful set of china that I loved using when entertaining our friends and families. But since our new home would be much smaller, I had to let the china stay behind. And I grieved those losses.
Downsizing Difficulties
My friend Sarah owns a company that helps people with downsizing their homes. She described the emotional pain she sees when people need to make difficult choices with their belongings. For example, collections of figurines, stuffed animals and unusual types of glassware may have initially had great value. But now they aren't worth much, and family members don't want them.
Sarah told me that having a spare bedroom is one of the hardest things for many people to let go of. She said, "Spare bedrooms represent nostalgia and memories. People worked hard to make them look beautiful and inviting, and the lovely bedspread and colorful throw pillows are filled with meaning."
Having a spare bedroom is one of the hardest things for many people to let go of.
One of Sarah's clients described how much her spare bedroom meant to her. She remembered young granddaughters giggling for hours instead of sleeping. And she watched her grandson play pretend basketball by throwing a small fuzzy ball against the closet door, over and over.
Those grandchildren are now adults and have children of their own. Most live in other states, so she rarely gets to see them. But she wanted to keep her spare bedroom just in case one of them came to visit.
When Sarah asked how long it had been since anyone had slept in that room, the woman sighed and admitted it was at least three years.
Sarah says, "When you downsize and space is limited, let the spare bedroom go. Save the bedding, but purchase an inflatable mattress. These can all be stored in a small area, giving you a lot more usable space."
Go Ahead and Grieve
In your life right now, do you feel sad because you are grieving things you miss? If you get stuck with memories from the past, you're probably holding onto a myth. You might remember that life was perfect. It wasn't. Or you convince yourself you'd love it if you could go back. You wouldn't.
Instead of pretending everything is fine after a move or other life changes, allow yourself to feel sadness, loneliness or disappointment. Recognize those feelings are there and you can't escape them, even when your new life is great.
A few weeks before our move to Iowa, my husband and I sat in our cozy loft one last time, and we toasted our home and the years we'd lived there. We talked about many wonderful experiences with friends, travel and job promotions.
As we anticipated moving to Iowa, we felt excited yet very sad. And we grieved our progress.
But we also recalled a lot of sad moments and disappointments, such as job interviews that never went anywhere, the deaths of our parents and my challenges with having breast cancer.
As we anticipated moving to Iowa, we felt excited yet very sad. And we grieved our progress.
Now that we're settled in our new home, I have worked at turning the move into an adventure. I intentionally drive different streets and seek out new grocery stores.
I've found some great walking paths and a wonderful coffee shop. And my dog is making friends with the black Labrador retriever next door.
Even as you adjust to a new life segment, you can start creating ways to replace the past.
As you go through life changes, you may have to replace some of the things you've lost. In some cases, you'll need to define yourself differently, such as living as a retired person or being single.
But even as you adjust to a new life segment, you can start creating ways to replace the past.
When you go through difficult times in life, go ahead and grieve your progress. It's a healthy part of moving forward. Then create new plans and put them in place.
Every day, take steps in your new life. Climb a hill, drink your water and grow stronger. With time, your new life will become your best one.
