Keep Current Friends and Make New Friends This Year
I've always been a social person, not only maintaining friendships from childhood, but making friends in every stage of my life. However, 2024 seemed like a net negative in my social circle.
"It's true we don't meet new people automatically the way we did when we were younger. But we just must keep making the effort." | Credit: Getty
One friend I'd had since junior high backed off our friendship, announcing she no longer wanted to do our annual girlfriend getaways with another friend and me, citing the desire to spend more time with her husband.
Last summer, I was rather horrified when I received a text from a "friend" calling me the "B" word in a message clearly not meant for me. Finally, this fall, I began backing off a long-time friendship after I realized we no longer shared important core values.
For the first time in my 61 years, I felt panicked over the prospect of building another social circle.
We also moved closer to our hometown earlier this year and I left behind a social network I had carefully built after my husband died over six years ago.
Socializing has always been a key component to enjoying life and I knew from numerous studies, including one conducted by AARP, that maintaining a healthy social circle is even more important as we age. That survey found 74% of adults cited socializing as a key to their happiness.
For the first time in my 61 years, I felt panicked over the prospect of building another social circle. Many of my friends were/are from school and various places I'd worked. As a semi-retired writer who works from home, it seemed daunting to make new friends.
Is Making Friends Harder as We Age?
We may believe that when the nest empties and we retire we'll have more time to devote to maintaining existing friendships, but that isn't always the case. "Our interests and activities change and the people we share those with also change," says Joan Price, who lives in Sebastopol, California and is the author of four books about sex and older adults.
"People make friends in all stages of life."
Experts agree that new obligations such as children leaving the nest later, having to work beyond retirement age and raising grandchildren may also interfere with making friendships a priority.
"People make friends in all stages of life," says Saba Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. "Maintaining and making new friends as we age may be more difficult because we're spending less time going to places such as work, religious and community centers. The pandemic made it worse as people became accustomed to staying home and we're still struggling to remember how to socialize."
Finally, friendships mean different things to different people, even according to our gender, says Geoffrey Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of "Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships." He says men and women interact with their friends in a different manner.
"Men construct friendships in shoulder-to-shoulder ways, like [playing] sports or watching sports," says Greif. "They feel less comfortable interacting face-to-face, the way women construct friendships. Women like to get together and have more intimate conversations."
Lurie agrees, "Men haven't been encouraged to be vulnerable."
Price says while it may seem it takes more effort to maintain and make new friends as we age, it doesn't have to be the case.
"I feel like I reinvented myself with three progressive career paths and my friendship circle stayed with me," Price says. "It's true we don't meet new people automatically the way we did when we were younger. But we just must keep making the effort."
Tips for Maintaining Friendships and Starting New Ones
If you're feeling isolated or finding it difficult to maintain or make new friends, Lurie offers these tips:
Consider what you’ve been investing your time in and if it isn’t your friendships, ask yourself why.
Step out of your comfort zone, ask yourself where you find people who you have shared values and are comfortable with. “Take an art class, volunteer at the library. Develop some regular routines. You need to take a step in showing up.”
Continue the routines, as they’re important to keep seeing and interacting with the same people each time. “Reach out, talk with the people in your class. Take time to make connections. It may be uncomfortable but step out of your comfort zone. After a few weeks, ask them to go for coffee.”
Be open to the idea of rejection and assume they just aren’t where you are in wanting new friendships. “It may be disheartening, even painful, and you may not feel safe, but if one person isn’t receptive, it doesn’t mean the next person won’t be.”
For men, it may be more comfortable to ask someone to go bowling or golfing or watch a sports activity.
Reach out and reconnect with old friends. “It may be possible to reignite old friendships that fell by the wayside.”
On that note, if the friendship suffered due to the current political climate, you may want to reconsider. “It may not feel important to engage people we do not agree with, but there’s a price we pay for not engaging. We don’t want to feel uncomfortable, but it may be worthwhile and even productive to engage.”
Don’t discount intergenerational relationships. “Think outside of the box, we’re all hungry for connection. If your kids and grandkids live across the country, you might reach out to a busy family in the neighborhood. They may appreciate you making and dropping off a home cooked meal. Be open to any friendships that not only enhance your life, but those of others as well."
Cycles of Life
When I looked at the friendships that fell away last year, I realized all of them were part of the normal cycle of life. Our priorities change, we change, and we grow and progress. People come and go. Not everyone we once found camaraderie with may be with us for the remainder of our lives.
On the plus side in my life, I began socializing with friends from school who share common values. I was also able to reconnect with a friend with whom I'd had a misunderstanding a few years ago. My partner and I are looking at game nights at local venues and signing up for talks at the library (including one on how to engage people who have different political ideas). We are also thinking of leading a local writers' group.
It may mean stepping out of our comfort zone and being the "newbies," but the rewards of newly forged friendships are worth the challenge.
