Learning to Manage Self-Doubt

Doubt is one of the most powerful and complex of all human emotions, and one that changes in myriad and often contradictory ways as we age

I was hiking in the woods with a pair of younger friends one brisk Saturday morning when we unexpectedly encountered a stream we had to cross to continue the hike. I watched as my friends easily and gracefully found their way to the other side without hesitation.

"Doubt is one of the most powerful and complex of all human emotions, and one that changes in myriad and often contradictory ways as we age," writes Bernstein  |  Credit: Getty

Then it was my turn. I froze. The stream wasn't especially deep and perhaps only 15 feet across. But the embedded rocks didn't offer a clear-cut path and appeared slippery. I lacked confidence in my balance (which has been getting more precarious) and imagined falling sideways into the stream and getting uncomfortably wet, and perhaps breaking an ankle.

I wasn't exactly afraid to cross the stream. Rather, I seriously doubted my ability to navigate the physical challenge without messing up.

In that moment of hesitation, I was held back less by fear than by self-doubt. I wasn't exactly afraid to cross the stream. Rather, I seriously doubted my ability to navigate the physical challenge without messing up.

Doubt is one of the most powerful and complex of all human emotions, and one that changes in myriad and often contradictory ways as we age. On one end of the spectrum, self-doubt is a form of self-preservation as our bodies change. Whether you're deciding how best to cross a stream safely or, say, navigate a bumpy sidewalk, doubt imposes a pause, giving you time to reflect on a sensible course of action. In this case, doubt is a useful form of harm reduction. You might even call it common sense.

Self-Doubt Makes Your World Smaller

On the other end of the spectrum, however, doubting your capacity to learn or perform something new or take on a challenge may be unnecessarily limiting. You assume defeat before making an effort. In this sense, self-doubt makes your world smaller, forcing you to miss out on opportunities that might otherwise enrich your life and deliver positive reinforcement.

Our self-perceptions about our physical and psychological capacity as we age has a direct bearing on how we negotiate the world and our mood as we do so. A positive self-perception on aging, The Gerontologist reports, is associated with better physical function, increased survival, life satisfaction and mental health.

Standing at the stream's edge, I told myself that despite doubting my ability to cross as effortlessly as my younger friends, I could do this. In the first place, I had no choice, as I couldn't imagine forcing them to turn back on my account. And secondly, I refused to allow my doubts to limit me to that extent.

If I couldn't ford that stream, what would be next? Cancelling a planned hiking trip in Italy? Restricting all my travel to flat, dry ground?

If you internalize society's stereotypes that equate aging with an escalating series of limitations, you're bound to say no more often than you say yes.

No way, I told myself. I crossed that stream: slowly, not quite confidently, but without any mishaps.

On the other side of the ledger, there is ample research suggesting that a negative perception of aging goes hand-in-hand with a lower quality of life. Indeed, "lifetime exposure to negative age stereotypes leads to the internalization of ageism as a form of negative attitudes towards own aging and it adversely affects health and well-being in old age," reports Frontiers in Sociology.

Call it the trap of a self-fulfilling prophecy: If you internalize society's stereotypes that equate aging with an escalating series of limitations, you're bound to say no more often than you say yes.

But this is not an inevitable trajectory, for any of us. We can pursue a more positive, self-empowering path as we age, especially if we learn to manage our self-doubts.

Turning 68, I can see how my relationship with self-doubt has changed — and continues to change. I'm increasingly familiar with the harm-reduction end of the spectrum (protecting my pain-prone lower back, for instance). But at the same time, I'm knocking down psychological and emotional barriers of self-doubt that held back my younger self: Am I good enough? Smart enough? Talented enough? What if I fail?

Model Ways of Managing Self-Doubt

Intimations of mortality are spurring me on to new adventures, physically and psychologically. But more than that, I'm striving to model ways of managing self-doubt as I watch others — especially younger generations — struggle mightily with doubt. Working with Millennial and Gen-Z artists, I witness them holding back, hesitant to commit to their art forms or to step into their power as creative people, and I wonder: What are you waiting for?

I turn the question back on myself: What am I waiting for?

Indeed, that question deserves an answer at any age. My response is that self-doubt can never be conquered but it can be managed. We can walk with our doubts rather than allow them to stop us in our tracks (or stream-laden trails).

For even as our physical powers diminish, we retain the capacity to change in ways that give our lives meaning and show us we have not yet finished becoming who we really are.

We can do that at each and every stage of life by consciously addressing three areas.

First, give yourself permission to set aside — indeed, to ignore — the negative voice in your head that tells you to quit while you're ahead. That's doubt talking: it's on a mission to reign you in, but don't be fooled. Not every hesitation falls into the harm-reduction category. Practice saying I can and I will, rather than I shouldn't, I won't, I can't. This is very much a choice. Old dogs can learn new tricks; it's our doubts telling us we can't and they don't get the last word. Show them who's boss!

Second, take a close look at the allies and adversaries in your life. Who cheers you on to get out and try new things? And who acts like an echo chamber (or megaphone) for your doubts, cautioning you to hold back or avoid setting new plans in motion? What might happen to your doubts if you added a few more encouraging allies and found a way to sideline the adversaries — or at least, listen to them less?

And third, redefine your relationship to risk. You may be perfectly capable of thriving on a whitewater rafting trip, or completing the novel stuck in your desk drawer. If caution has become your default response to new opportunities, take a hard look at that mindset and consider that the vulnerability that accompanies trying something new usually opens new pathways to joy and self-respect. Give yourself a chance to surprise yourself and put those doubts behind you.

Doubt is a trickster often masquerading as fear, anxiety or procrastination. It wields enormous and sometimes undetected influence on how we make decisions. All the more reason to take stock of your self-doubts and ask whether they are serving you or holding you back.

For even as our physical powers diminish, we retain the capacity to change in ways that give our lives meaning and show us we have not yet finished becoming who we really are. There is room to grow and discover. But to do that, you must push your self-doubts into a corner, where they may jabber on while you go about the business of living.

The moment you allow self-doubt to call the shots is the moment you'll stop figuring out what you're truly capable of achieving — at any age.