The Emotional Impact of Downsizing
It's about sorting, storytelling and keeping what's meaningful
Earlier this year, I made the difficult decision to sell the home where my husband Jim and I lived together for 31 years, the place where we raised our two children. Jim died in July 2023 and it became clear the time had come for me to move on. And so, the downsizing began — one of the most difficult and emotionally challenging projects I have ever undertaken.
A print that belonged to Julie Pfitzinger's mother-in-law | Credit: Julie Pfitzinger
I could write an entire essay – or ten – about my experience and maybe someday I will. However, as I was going along filling bags and boxes, throwing away bags and boxes, making multiple trips to Goodwill, holding a garage sale, deciding what to keep, changing my mind and changing it again, what repeatedly occurred to me was that "getting rid of stuff" is as layered as the overfilled bookshelves, closets and drawers I was navigating – and I realized other people likely feel the same way.
"Start with the dining room. Go through the plates and silverware. They probably won't hold as much emotional value."
Cris Sgrott is the founder and owner of Organizing Maniacs, based in the Washington, D.C. area, and as a Certified Professional Organizer, she understands that the "emotional baggage" — the stuff we all carry (and store in closets) — is profound. Along with her sister Vanessa, they help clients get to the root of this monumental task.
The Role of Storytelling
The key, Sgrott says, is to arrive at a place of "storytelling" for your items. "One of the reasons that people hire professional organizers to help them is that we can create a safe space for storytelling," she explains. "We can honor the memories of say, a vase, and hear someone when they tell the story out loud."
One of the biggest mistakes people make when they dive into downsizing is starting with the hard items – the drawing that your now 35-year-old child did in kindergarten, the photo albums – all of the things that are guaranteed to bring up feelings of sadness or melancholy about a previous time.
"Start with the dining room. Go through the plates and silverware," Sgrott says. "They probably won't hold as much emotional value."
If you happen to be working on a downsizing project with a spouse, make the experience into a "date night" – when you have the emotional bandwidth – and tell those stories of the important items together.
What if one person is a keeper and the other is a thrower?
Oftentimes, downsizing happens between an older parent and their adult child – this can come with its own set of challenges.
For example, what if one person is a keeper and the other is a thrower? (More often than not, it's the younger one in the pair who favors tossing, especially if a move is pending for their parent.) That's where the project can turn sour, but it doesn't have to, according to Sgrott.
"We all get unreasonable when we feel we aren't being heard," she says, relaying the story of a mother downsizing her own home with her daughter, who was in her 40s, and how both were holding their ground on what to keep and what to throw.
"I left them alone and before long, there was a softening between them. There was laughter. One was sharing a story. Out of what had started as two or three bins of things the mother wanted to keep, there ended up being two or three single items," said Sgrott. "Their stories about the things were honored and then they could let go."
Faced with bulging closets and overflowing desks, it's very easy to assume that it's all just clutter and needs to be eliminated, but according to Sgrott, that's not true.
"Not everything is clutter. There is a percentage of things that you do want to keep, and that's good," she says. Maybe it's a collection of photos, for instance.
"I think it's fun to find pictures of myself when I was in my 20s," she says. "Looking at them validates who I was, who I am now… that's not clutter."
"Be ruthless, don't be reckless."
With that said, here comes the practical advice: "There are only so many bowls you need. You know which ones you love and which ones you use. There are things you need to make decisions on."
Cris Sgrott | Credit: Organizing Maniacs
One of Sgrott's mantras when it comes to downsizing is "be ruthless, don't be reckless." This is especially true of those sentimental items we all have because once they are gone, they're gone.
The Challenge of Three Houses
Downsizing one house is enough of an emotional landmine, but what about downsizing three concurrently? For Sara Beth and Michael Weller, who live in a suburb of Washington, D.C., this has been their ongoing project of the past few months, involving the homes of their parents and their own home.
Both sets of parents lived within a mile of each other, with the Wellers' home about five miles away from each house. Michael's parents, who lived in his childhood home, died first, about four years ago. Sara Beth's mother died not long after that and her father came to live with Sara Beth and Michael, since the layout of their house was conducive to his needs. However, he lived for only six months.
"So we had three houses, and started to have the conversations – 'do you want stuff from your parents' house?,'" said Sara Beth. "We realized we both did."
The house belonging to Michael's parents (he was an only child) was the largest of the three, so the couple decided to move there to accommodate everything they knew they wanted to keep.
"My parents bought their house in the early 80s and his parents bought theirs in 1979," she said. "Plus we had 15 years worth of stuff from our own house."
As they started to make headway through all of it, the couple discovered that their parents had similar tastes – "there were quadruplicates of so many things," laughs Sara Beth, who said her parents' home proved harder to sort through.
It's easy to be fearful of letting things go.
In general, Sara Beth says, "We discovered that I'm more attached to memories and Michael is more attached to items." They established 'yes, no, maybe later' piles to help them work through the three housefuls of items.
Although it can be difficult to get there, ultimately many people come to the realization that items they don't want any longer may make someone else really happy, Sara Beth remembers Sgrott telling her.
It's easy to be fearful of letting things go. Now that I have been through my downsizing, I recognize that I frequently confronted those feelings. Overall, I feel I made good choices. In my new space, I have things that make me happy, that remind me not only of my husband and our family, but of my parents and his parents.
I have a lovely print of Notre-Dame de Paris that my late mother-in-law Joyce gave me about seven years ago, when she downsized, that had belonged to her mother. I think of Joyce, who knew of my fondness for Paris, every time I look at it. And I can truly say that about many items I chose to bring with me.
"The goal," says Sgrott, "is to surround yourself with the things you love and that bring meaning to you."
